What Can I Say, I Enjoy Being Stimulated

Four days in and I am a much happier camper than I was before I started Follistim. Seriously, I woke up the morning after my first dose with a sense of optimism that I hadn't felt in several weeks. I'm sure it was all in my head, but just knowing that I had lady hormones coursing through my veins again - and knowing that I was one day closer to this process being over - made a huge difference in my outlook. My Lupron-induced headache has subsided almost entirely, plus I appear to have had my last hot flash on Monday morning, so that is also exceedingly helpful in keeping my spirits up. My ovaries appear to like Follistim too: this morning's count was 13 follicles on the left and 7 follicles on the right. I have felt a few twinges in my belly, which is annoying but also a good sign that things are moving in the right direction. Overall, I'm doing as well as I would have hoped during this point in my cycle.

But I made the mistake yesterday of listening wistfully to an album on my iPod that I had been rocking out to on a loop during the spring of 2010. I was so happy then. Harry and I were planning our future together and everything seemed so bright. It's funny how sensory memories can be: bulgogi will always remind me of fall 2006, when I discovered how tasty it was and made it for dinner at least once a week. My green cowl-neck sweater will always remind me of my senior year of college, when I bought it as a birthday present for myself and wore it through a freezing winter. And it got me thinking, what will be my dominant sense-memories from this season of my life?

Smell: Kendall Webcol Alcohol Prep pads. I open up the package every night and the tang floats up to my nose to remind me that there are really only 5 minutes every day when I am actively addressing my infertility. And those 5 minutes just reek of rubbing alcohol.

Taste: Karfiolleves. If you haven't tried it, I recommend it - I was really unenthusiastic when I first read the recipe but it turned out to be an amazing comfort food. The dumplings are really buttery and the cauliflower is really soft and the hot paprika gives just the right amount of kick. Stirring sour cream in makes it even better.

Sight: This amazing 3-D painting/sculpture/piece of abstract-but-not-abstract-enough art at my RE's office that depicts a sperm fertilizing an egg. Harry and I both had to contain our laughter when we saw it on our first visit there, because we are Not Mature. One of the nurses noticed our smirks and said that a former patient made it, which makes me wonder what kind of craft project I could give them at the end of this process that they would feel obligated to display. Maybe something made out of cat hair.

Touch: Needles going into my skin! I always think of the Bic mechanical pencils I used to play with at school, clicking the little column of lead almost all the way out and then pretending to give myself a shot as the lead slid back in. Except that this time, I actually go through with it and the needle does pierce right through my skin and into my belly. It's so strange, like living a childhood fantasy in reverse.

Sound: Gotta be Shake It Out by Florence + The Machine. This song basically got me through the first wave of crushing depression that followed my surgery in October and will kick off the infertility mix on my iPhone if I ever get around to making it. (Which I haven't done because - that whole crushing depression thing? Yeah, that leads to some questionable musical choices. I have lately found myself sobbing to Phil Collins, but then, who hasn't?)

Woman's Intuition: Pfft, I wish I knew. I have no intuition about whether this cycle will be successful, I just like including this as my sixth sense on principle.

Anybody else?