The (Fake) Name Game

Now that I'm very visibly pregnant, it's pretty much the first topic of conversation with everyone I meet. Close friends, acquaintances, and perfect strangers all tend to ask variations on the following three questions:

1.) When are you due?
2.) Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?
3.) Have you picked out a name yet?

The first two are easy to answer, but the third has presented me with a few problems. My standard response is "not yet!" and most people end the conversation there, but there have been a couple who try to force the issue. I know, I know, it's one of the biggest things that people talk about regarding babies, and many people are comfortable sharing their name choice ahead of time. We are not. We don't want to invite commentary on our son's name prior to his arrival because we don't want it to appear that we're asking for opinions or approval, and if I can be honest, I think we're also a bit superstitious. Once he's breathing air and not amniotic fluid, then we can announce his name with a ticker-tape parade for all I care.

So, what have we been telling the nosy but well-intentioned people who really want to discuss name possibilities with us? Fake names. Let me demonstrate:

"Do you know what you're going to name the baby?"
"Yes! We're just trying to decide between Pubert and Bort."
:::silence:::

Okay, so not everybody gets the joke. (Although I do find the occasional person who immediately gets the Simpsons reference and mentions Bort license plates!) But it tends to derail the conversation long enough to distract the questioner, and often they start suggesting their own fake names to add to our list.  Besides Pubert and Bort, we have also been experimenting with:

Kenmore
Dyson
Seiko
Agador Spartacus
Darth
Danger (as a middle name)
Spiderman

If anyone has any suggestions for additions to the fake name list, by all means let me know! I'll just be over here singing "The Name Game" to see which one sounds best: Bort Bort bo Bort banana fana fo Fort...

The Pregnant Lady Olympics

Last night, while watching the Olympic women's gymnastics coverage for the millionth time, Harry said "you know, there should be an Olympics for pregnant women." And I agree! We can compete in areas like:

- Picking something up off the floor
- Standing
- Eating a burrito with no heartburn medication

Of course, I take my hat off to the actual pregnant ladies who have competed in the Olympics, including this totally badass shooter who is currently 8 months along and still made the trip to London. I bet she'll have an amazing scrapbook for her daughter to read one day!

Stimulation has Begun

You guys! You guys.

I HAVE FINALLY BEGUN TO STIMULATE MY OVARIES.

As of a few moments ago, I am no longer in menopause. (Kind of.) In addition to 5 units of leuprolide acetate, I injected 225 IU of Follistim into my belly. And this comes after a whopping 33 days of downregulation. It's the longest Lupron protocol I can find anywhere on the Interwebs, but it. has. finally. ended.

Welcome back, ovaries! We have a lot of work ahead of us. First order of business: Golden Globes fashion critique. Angelina Jolie: yes or no? I'm leaning towards no, but I still haven't seen a full-length shot of her.

TTC TV

TV shows not to watch when you're TTC:

1. Toddlers and Tiaras. What if I actually do conceive and then start thinking it's a good idea to put a spray tan on a 3-year-old?

2. I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. Bitches.*

3. The vast majority of TLC's programming. Why do I keep doing this to myself?

TV shows to definitely watch when you're TTC:

1. Modern Family. There are so many ways to create a family, including adoption!

2. Enlightened. When she's not inadvertently sabotaging herself, Laura Dern's character is both giving voice to the crazy person within all of us, and calmly reassuring us that there is beauty in life.

3. 30 Rock. Liz Lemon, like Bridget Jones before her, is reassuringly imperfect. Which is nice because, let's face it, I'm a mess, and also because someday I hope to give my children a werewolf Bar Mitzvah party.

*I felt immediately bad after typing this. I promise it's just your garden-variety infertile jealousy talking; unexpected and unplanned pregnancies can be just as traumatizing as those that require intramuscular shots to get going. But seriously? You had no idea, for nine whole months?

Why I Chose Charlotte

I swear, I didn't set out to emulate Charlotte York Goldenblatt. I really didn't. Not only is she a fictional character - something that I find really gets in the way of my attempts to live in reality - but I don't actually envy her life from Sex and the City. Sure, she ends up with the fairytale in the end, but let's not forget the breakup of her first marriage, her experience with Brad the bad kisser, or that amazing stinkeye she gives to Big after he leaves Carrie at the altar.

But here's the thing: I actually did grow up in Connecticut. I have a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel (although her name is not Elizabeth Taylor). I married a Jewish man and, yes, I also converted to Judaism. And it wasn't until a few days after my surgery that I realized - oh no. I'm like Charlotte in one more way, too.

I can't do anything about where I was born, and I chose my dog because I wanted a canine companion that would stay within the weight requirement of my apartment lease and have a gentle enough disposition to get along with my older, set-in-his-ways cat. The Judaism thing came as a bit of a surprise even to me - but then I've always loved to study religion, and it was the right choice for me, even if I do feel like people sometimes assume I converted to please my husband. (For the record, he was quite pleased, but never once did he do or say anything that could be interpreted as pushing me into it.) And infertility, well... no one plans this.

However. It could be worse. I've always rather liked the name Charlotte, and if I someday end up baking with my two daughters in a fancy New York kitchen, I promise to be really grateful for my couture clothing and my Irish nanny. Oh, and hey, infertility? I curse the day you were born!