Childbirth Class

So. Childbirth class. Harry and I went in expecting it to be an opportunity for unintentional hilarity, and we definitely got that. I didn't storm out in tears, which I actually thought was a distinct possibility when the day began, so we will count it as a success.

What did we learn? Well, the class as a whole learned about the stages of labor, techniques for breathing through contractions and pushes, a couple of the interventions that might be used, protocol for births at the hospital where we'll be delivering, and we went on a tour of the facility. The instructor was approachable, knowledgeable, and had a good sense of humor (case in point: laboring by standing with one foot on a chair is colloquially known as the "Captain Morgan" position; laboring by kneeling in front of a chair and hugging it is the "After the Captain Morgan" position. Don't have to tell me twice, lady!)

But what did I learn at this class? Excuse me while I bust out the bullet points:

- Most people have "normal" labors and deliveries. The odds are that I will too, anticoagulation worries aside. Wait, what? The only birth stories that stick in my head are the bad ones, of course. Or are they? What counts as normal? How much intervention can you have and still call it normal? Can I really expect to go into labor at home and spend several hours having mild contractions while my husband keeps me calm and feeds me light, easy-to-digest foods? I put a lot of faith in statistics and it's true, most babies at this hospital are born vaginally with little to no complications, so I have a good chance of being in that group. The cynic in me whispers, "yeah, but most people have normal conceptions too, and look how well that turned out" but it did get me thinking that this might not be a total sh*t show from start to finish.

- Their email notification system is busted. I swear! I made Harry check the website right before we left the house because I thought we might have to bring something and he confirmed that there was nothing about that, and we had a little printout showing that we had paid for the class so we were all good there, so off we went. And then we arrived, and every other pregnant couple walking into the building was holding two pillows, and argh! I. Never. Received. The. Pillow. Email. Not even in my spam folder. And maybe if it's so important you should put this whole pillow thing on the website! (It was totally fine, btw. Another couple lent us one of theirs since you really didn't need two. But still.)

- There is such a thing as labor massage, and some childbirth educators expect you to learn it in a darkened conference room with a bunch of other strangers all lying on the floor next to each other on exercise mats. Props to the guy who, when she turned the lights back on, shouted "What the... this is not my wife!" and broke the tension.

- I am on the high-maintenance end of the spectrum when it comes to patient involvement. (Raise your hand if this is coming as a surprise. Yeah, that's what I thought.) Case in point: the instructor mentioned two common interventions and how they work - breaking the amniotic sac and administering a Pitocin drip - and presented the Pitocin thing as a decision that the doctors would make if they thought you needed it, even though it would make your contractions longer and stronger. Nothing about discussing it with the patient beforehand; it seemed from her description like they might just come in and hook up a bag of Pitocin and then your head could start spinning like in The Exorcist. So when she asked for questions, my hand went right up. (Be glad I didn't run to the front of the room Jerri-Blank-style and yell "I've got something to say!") I wasn't as coherent as I would have liked, but my point about how patients need to give informed consent to interventions ultimately came across. It's kind of strange since this is a basic tenet of health care, and at first she started to reply that the doctors and nurses just wanted a good outcome, and I had to say again that actually, there are specific guidelines about interventions that can be performed without patient consent. Obviously everybody shares the same goal of a healthy baby and a healthy mother, and the goal is always a mutual decision based on a thorough conversation between the patient and caregiver, but yeah. That informed consent thing will get you every time.

- I think I can expect some of the compassion and hand-holding for the delivery that I didn't get, and really could have used, during my IVF conception. I've written extensively on here about how much I freaked out during my cycle, in part because I felt like my diagnosis of infertility was a huge and horrible bombshell and I wanted my reproductive endocrinology clinic to acknowledge that. I wanted them to say how sorry they were that I had to use their services and how they would do everything in their power to keep me as comfortable as possible during my treatment. Instead, I had some pretty impersonal (and literal) get-in-line-with-the-other-infertiles experiences and a legitimately painful and upsetting surgical procedure. On the other hand, the tour of the hospital's Labor and Delivery floor revealed that it had been recently renovated to make it feel more comfortable and homey. They talked to us about exercise balls, hot showers, and jacuzzi tubs. Nobody is going to make me take out my contacts, shave my personal region, or require me to have an enema. The kicker was when we were encouraged to bring in pictures, other decorative items, and - get this - air fresheners to make it seem less like a hospital. Before my IVF experience, I probably would have scoffed at hearing this, but now it actually made me feel much better. It's not the tubs or air fresheners that matter, it's the realization that someone cared enough to make them an option, and if they care about how the place smells, they probably care about me as a person, too.

In summary: yeah, I probably am going to have to give birth in the not-so-distant future. It has a shot at not being a terrible experience. And if I show up in active labor and am told I should have received an email about bringing along two pillows, I am going to march right on down to the IT department and give them a piece of my mind!