And Now, A Few Words About Infertility and Unhappiness

Everyone who writes about their experience with pregnancy after infertility seems to say, sooner or later, that the excitement of actually gestating a tiny human being doesn't erase the experience or memory of the treatment that got them there. Not wanting to be left out of this trend, I have mentioned this feeling around fifty bajillion times. And I have no plans to stop anytime soon.

Today, I want to follow up on a post I wrote way back in January - and I want to offer an apology. Longtime readers (all three of you) may remember when I posted about a study on exercise and IVF. I seized, laughingly, on the lead author's assertion that running during an IVF cycle was counterproductive because it makes your body think you're being chased by a bear. That lead author was actually Alice Domar, Ph.D., Executive Director of the Domar Center for Mind/Body Health and the Director of Mind/Body Services at Boston IVF. And if you ever read this, Dr. Domar, I heartily apologize for making light of your exercise recommendations. Rereading the article now, I'm guessing you said about 200 other things to the interviewer and the bear comment was the one that got printed. Happens all the time, and I mean, you have to admit it did make for some entertaining reading.

Why the about-face? Well, remember that podcast I brought up a few months ago? I was listening to it the other day at work, not paying much attention, when I realized that the interviewee was none other than our friend Dr. Domar. I will admit that I rolled my eyes when I heard the title of the show, "Can You Be Happy Even While Infertile." And then Dr. Domar started talking, and my productivity level began to drop. At one point I was actually wiping away tears and hoping that nobody would come by my desk until I could compose myself. She said a ton of things that resonated with me, but this exchange is worth repeating verbatim (it starts around 21 minutes at the link below):

Domar: [The caller's] second question was, how can I be happy when going through infertility?
Host: Is it realistic to expect happiness, yeah.
Domar: You know, I don't think - most infertility patients are not happy as they go through infertility. And I wouldn't expect, I mean, if someone came in and said that they were happy as they were going through infertility, I'd want to test them for mania. So, do I think you can be a happy person as you go through all of this? No, I don't. I think some people are relatively resilient, and stay the same, but no, I don't think you're going to be happy as you go through infertility. But I think it's still possible to have moments or days of happiness, you know, ice cream is still going to taste good, and your husband or partner is still going to be attractive to you, and Paris is still going to be gorgeous, and the springtime when the flowers come up is still going to be amazing... Is your baseline going to be different during infertility than it was before infertility or after infertility? It probably will be. But you're still going to have highs and lows. There are still going to be things that make you feel good.

Listen to the entire interview here - no, really, go listen to it:
Creating A Family: Can You Be Happy Even While Infertile

I wish, wish, wish that I had heard this statement back when I was preparing for and going through IVF. It was bad, guys. It was really bad. My surgery last fall kicked off the absolute worst time of my life and, like many of us, I was struggling not only with the physical implications of my diagnosis but a tidal wave of upsetting emotions simply because I would need this treatment. Every time that treatment hit a snag, I totally lost my sh*t (and have continued to do so through a complicated pregnancy, though not as dramatically.) I hesitate to use the word "depression" even now, because I think that clinical depression should be diagnosed by a doctor and not WebMD, but all of the symptoms and warning signs were there. And I categorically refused to seek any kind of treatment for my unhappiness, which know might be hard for some people to understand, but the only time I have regretted that decision was when I heard Dr. Domar's interview. If I had been told by an expert back in November, or December, or January that it was normal for my mood to take a big hit when faced with this news - that it would have been odd for me to take it entirely in stride, that everyone struggles, that a diagnosis of infertility is just as emotionally devastating as a diagnosis of cancer or heart disease - I think it would have made a huge difference. It couldn't have stopped it, but it could have helped me put it in context, and I would have worried less that I had some sort of crippling mental deficiency on top of being infertile.

One final thought - she's right about finding things that make you happy even when something else in your life has taken a turn for the worse. Ice cream is still going to taste good. Ice cream is always going to taste good. (Unless you have morning sickness, but that's a story for another time.) There will always be ice cream, and Paris, and flowers in the springtime. And there were flowers this spring. There were!

P.S. My armpit infection is doing fine. It was markedly less sore and red about 8 hours after my first dose of antibiotics and has continued to clear up ever since. See? I told you it wouldn't be a big deal. On to the next challenge!