Celebrity Pregnancy Watch Mini-Update

This is the last one, I swear...

Giuliana Rancic is totally going to have a baby! This news makes my Monday morning seem way better. The Rancics, who have struggled with infertility, loss after IVF, and breast cancer, are going to become parents via gestational carrier in the late summer. Can I get a HELL YEAH?!?

Celebrity Pregnancy Watch #MillionBajillion

There was a time, many years ago, when I thought becoming famous and having my picture in People magazine was a worthwhile goal. I even saw it as a kind of rite of passage - when I got older, and I could afford to buy platform shoes like the Spice Girls wore, I too would have a shot at that kind of fame.

As I got older, even though I remained an (ahem) avid consumer of celebrity news, I began to thank my lucky stars that I wasn't being followed by paparazzi every time I left the house. It's not that I often forget to brush my hair or get caught doing the walk of shame in a party dress in broad daylight, but I do like to hold on to a small amount of privacy. Especially when my belly is starting to swell into something that looks much more like a giant muffintop than a cute pregnant bump - I'm very, very glad that there are no photographers following me around to be part of a Bumpwatch! story.

So I have compassion for the celebrities who are pregnant now, in addition to a fascination with how these women are experiencing the same baffling and humbling gestational process that I'm going through. And now that we're getting to the point that a normal non-hemorrhaging expectant mother might announce her pregnancy, I think I've decided on my celebrity pregnancy twin. Let's run through the possible candidates first:

Drew Barrymore. An early frontrunner, but her ultrasound pictures in February indicated that she's probably much farther along than me. Still, I have to give it up for a fellow Saltine-lover.

Snooki. Also farther along than me, but I totally get where she's coming from in this tweet, plus I was wearing that exact outfit just yesterday!

Vanessa Lachey. May I present to you: Exhibit A, Mrs. Lachey enjoying a fresh 'n' tasty bag of Pirate's Booty. And, Exhibit B, my own nearly-identical bag of Pirate's Booty. She's definitely due earlier than me, but it's good to see that the 'Booty has such a following among pregnant ladies.

Tori Spelling. Yeah, no. As much as I enjoyed reading sTORI Telling (and I did, oh I did), she's on her fourth child and got pregnant a month after the birth of her youngest daughter. I think if I ever met her we'd have plenty to talk about, but bonding over similar conception stories is out.

Melissa Joan Hart. A late addition to the list, announcing her news just yesterday, I love seeing Clarissa so happy. But it will be her third child, so maybe we're not exactly on the same path in life (yet?)

Reese Witherspoon. Holy A-List, Batman! Reese was the frontrunner for a while because she appears to only be a few weeks farther along than me, there are whispers that this might not have been the easiest process for her, and - like me - she has yet to officially confirm her news with the world.

But the winner is...

Anna Paquin! She announced last night that she's having her first child with Stephen Moyer. If she's announcing now, she's probably due around when I am - maybe a little earlier than me, but I have this whole "you're likely to have an early delivery" thing that might even us out. Plus we have so much in common - she was born in Canada and I have visited Canada, and she won an Oscar and I frequently watch the Oscars ceremony on TV. But! This will be her first child, and she's exactly my age, so I think I'm ready to declare victory here. Anna, if you ever read this, a million congratulations! Let me know when you want to set up a Skype date for mocktails and bump comparisons. May your pregnancy be less eventful than mine, and I can't wait to see your shockingly beautiful baby join the world.

Finally - if you are a pregnant celebrity and I've left you off this list, my deepest apologies. And if you are a celebrity who is due in mid-late October and has managed to stay out of the news cycle so far, congratulations to you as well!

Congratulations, Snooki!

So, have any of you been to the Us Weekly website lately? I mean, I know it's been an unusually big week in celebrity births and pregnancy announcements, but good luck if you happen to be an infertile gossip-magazine reader.

In addition to this amazing cover, the top five headlines on all of Us Weekly yesterday were:
1. Snooki: Yes, I'm Pregnant and Engaged!
2. Whoa! Pregnant Jessica Simpson Poses Nude, Says She's Having Girl
3. Vanessa Minnillo Is Pregnant -- See Her Bump!
4. Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears and More Nude, Pregnant Celebs!
5. Who Looks Better Nude and Pregnant: Jessica Simpson or Demi Moore?

But wait! There's more! On the same page, you can also see these headlines:
Bethenny Frankel: Doing Lunch with Bryn
Bruce Willis, Pregnant Wife Step Out After Demi Moore Leaves Rehab
Kourtney Kardashian Squeezes Her Baby Bump Into Tight Red Jeans
FIRST PIC: Jennifer Garner Goes for Drive After Giving Birth

The craziest thing about all of this is, of course, that if I only had a camera to take some "nude and pregnant" photos of myself I would totally blow both Demi Moore and Jessica Simpson right out of the water. I mean, do they have the kind of Lovenox bruises I have? I didn't think so. And Snooks, I'm so so happy for you, but you might want to invest in a new bra now that your cup size has gone up. It'll be way more comfortable, I swear!

But seriously folks... I remember having a conversation with friends a long time ago about celebrity babies and how interesting it would be to see which celebrities would be due at the same time as us when, at some point in the far-away future, we got pregnant. I'm thinking that it's still a bit early for me to declare that Snooki and Vanessa Minnillo Lachey are my celebrity pregnancy BFFs, since they're probably past the first trimester and I am decidedly not. Celebrities who are currently puking their guts out and waiting until mid-April to announce that they're "over the moon" at their exciting news, I am looking at you! (And if I'm perfectly honest, I have my fingers crossed that one such announcement will come from Kate Middleton. Nobody deserves to struggle with infertility, but man, if there's one person for whom it would be a painful public experience, it's the Duchess of Cambridge. Also I can't wait to see her maternity style!)