Negative is as negative does

In the year's least hotly anticipated news, my official beta hCG test was negative for pregnancy. I don't know the exact value. I was kind of hoping for a nice fat 0.0 so I could make an Animal House joke, but I don't have the energy anyway.

As I wrote in my last post, it was pretty obvious what was coming since I got my period on Sunday. There was no ambiguity about it. It wasn't like there was light spotting and oh maybe things are still okay and I should keep up this insane farce that we were going to be taking home a sibling for our son in late August. I. Got. My. Period. Five days (calendar days, not business days or days spent crossing time zones or whatever, actual 24-hour days as determined by the rotation of the Earth) after my transfer. While I was having intramuscular injections of progesterone in oil, using Crinone gel, and taking oral estrogen. This doesn't appear to be a commonplace occurrence. This morning I tried googling the phrase "5dp5dt bleeding heavily" from a computer I rarely use and do you know which blog came up as the second hit? MINE! Maybe other people have experienced it and didn't write about it, or maybe the stories with negative outcomes aren't the ones that people want to read so they don't get a lot of prominence in the search algorithm, but when you look to the Internet for advice and its best suggestion is to read the post you yourself wrote earlier this week? Not a good sign.

Something went badly wrong with this FET cycle. (Something way above and beyond the interactions I had with my clinic, which are a separate topic and are still being addressed professionally.) In an alternate universe my RE and I would have a conversation to figure out what happened scientifically and what our next steps are, but in this one, I have decided to cease all treatment and stop seeking care for infertility indefinitely. This process has brought me the greatest gift of my life - our son - and it also did a pretty damn good job of destroying everything else. I think back on the person I was in September 2011 and I barely recognize her.

Do I think "indefinitely" really means forever? No. I think it is likely that I will embark on another IVF cycle at some date in the future, but I have no idea when that will be. In case you stumble upon this blog between now and then, and you start wondering "hey, what ever happened to her?" I will tell you this: I'm fine. I'm not great, but I'm okay. My record across two IVF cycles performed with my own 28-year-old eggs, despite advanced endometriosis and blocked tubes, was good - I took home a beautiful baby boy. If that's your diagnosis and you want to have a child, then I hope you read my story and feel optimistic about your own chances. If you found this site by looking up some other combination of words - maybe "infertility anger" or "egg retrieval traumatic" - then the only thing I can offer you is the knowledge that you are not alone in your feelings and experiences.

To my readers in the past, present, and future: thank you for your time, and good luck. I wish you all the best.