Monday, March 18, 2013

Some Highly Unoriginal Thoughts on Working and Motherhood


I’m back to work. I’ve been back to work for some time, actually, and while it has not gone perfectly at least we've maintained a functional home and family while we’ve managed the transition. I do work full time, a little more than 9-5 Monday-Friday, and O is in full time daycare as a result. I like his daycare quite a bit - at times I have more confidence in their ability to care for him than in my own parenting skills (seriously, these people are educated in early childhood development, know all the words to “The Wheels on the Bus,” actually seem to enjoy the album of kids’ songs that appears to be playing on a loop and makes me want to attack the stereo with something pointy, etc.), and at the moment the plan is to continue this arrangement indefinitely.

It’s a good setup, all things considered. There’s just one problem: it has no built-in redundancy or failsafes. This doesn’t sit well with me – I’m the person who enjoys having NASA-level control over logistics. And boy, have those logistics gotten more complicated since we had a baby: I will take this car here and you will take that one there so you can pick up this other person but do not park in that lot, park in this other one, because your car has the stroller in the back and mine has the car seat base and the diaper bag and on and on and on….

For instance, our daycare routine has only one arrangement where it really works: I wake up at 6 AM, I take care of the cat and the dog and breakfast and packing a lunch and pumping some breastmilk and, oh right, the baby also needs to be changed and fed. I try to arrive at daycare right as they’re opening the infant room in the morning, then hightail it to the office; at 5 PM, I finish up whatever I’m working on to rush back to the car and do it all in reverse. If I forget one single chore, or I leave one tiny item out of my pumping bag, it all falls apart. It feels like a minor miracle that on most days, our household functions as well as it does. And it’s to the eternal credit of our extended support staff – my wonderful husband in particular, plus our friends and neighbors – that we’ve navigated hurdles like O’s first cold (actually, make that his first five colds) and several late night and early morning meetings for my job.

Here’s the thing: I’m actually really happy at the moment. Yes, I’m exhausted, and yes, most days are some degree of stressful. But most days are also pretty successful. (And let’s not forget that in stark contrast to the last year, I’m not wildly hormonal while also trying to process some huge life changes.) But the same personality traits that make me love the NASA-esque organization stuff – and that make me love my job – are the ones that keep me up at night wondering what we will do in the future.

This arrangement will work at most until O is ready to start kindergarten, so what, another four years? My own mother didn’t work when I was young and I treasure the memories of meeting up with her after school. There’s also a practical component to having an adult in the household who doesn’t work, or who works part time; my vision of O’s future doesn’t include the frantic must-get-all-chores-done-on-the-weekend pattern we’ve fallen into so far. I want him to have adventures and opportunities to volunteer and time to explore music and sports and art that we can’t provide at our family’s current rate of speed. It seems incomprehensible that I won’t be available to offer him the same kind of care that my mother offered me, but it also seems incomprehensible that there could be a day in the not-so-distant future that I would leave the workforce with no plans to return.  And what if we have another child?!?

Bear in mind, I don’t think I could have written anything less original if I had tried. I could probably hyperlink every single word in this post to other sites where women (and not a few men) are also debating the balance between work and parenting. These are not unique, or unanticipated, concerns or fears. But they are real ones.  And they all center on the same thought that keeps popping up when I’m puzzling over this in the middle of the night, or stuck in traffic, or packing up my pump for the millionth time: what’s best for me personally might not be what’s best for my family. For now. I think?

2 comments:

  1. Although many people have written on this subject before, your perspective is incredibly unique and I find myself nodding my head at everything -- the swirly logistics of cars, car seats, strollers, etc; the what-will-we-do-thens; the frenzy and exhaustion of trying to get everything done in a weekend (I think it's truly cruel that no one warned me that weekends would be more like work than my actually WORK!) It's exhausting and I feel like the manager of a business! Communication between my mother, my husband, our friend who comes to help 2x a week -- it's like herding cats! On the issue of what happens when he starts Kindergarten, bear in mind that the money you are forking over now to pay for day care will go back in your pocket once your kid is old enough to attend public school, so by then you can just hire a super cool nanny to watch your kid from 2 - 6 pm every day. My mom worked (as a teacher) from like 7:30 - 5:00 and we had an au pair and later on several neighbors who watched us and I didn't know the wiser.

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  2. All I can say is I am so glad I stayed home with my children. Sorry to be so blunt. I feel so sorry for all the little ones in the "kiddie kennels". We have one near us and I can hardly bear to glance sideways at the children when they are out in the play yard, with the bored caregivers chatting it up on the sidelines. No one loves your kids like you do!

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